Around 1981 I wrote a song that said essentially:
“We treat people who we like, a lot better than the ones we love. And I got this funny little feelin’ that our marriage didn’t come from above. So I don’t want you to love me, ’cause the price is too high to pay. If you don’t mind please just like me – and we’ll get along better that way!”
That’s when I started really looking into this whole concept of “love.” Because I know that real love is unconditional. The angels love you unconditionally. Heck, your dog loves you unconditionally. The cat doesn’t give a flip.
You see, I think people have this love concept really confused. When people say “I love you,” what they really mean is, “as long as you are the way I want you to be.” People confuse love with control.
Shoot, I know some folks who allege to be in love when in reality, I don’t even think they’re in “like.” That song has some truth to it. Think about it. Do you treat people you like better than the ones you say you love? Do you try to control your friends? Are you not accepting of your friends as they are? Sure, if they’re screwing up their life, you might say something, but isn’t real friendship one of those “live and let live” philosophies and that’s why the friendship works? There’s something unconditional about it.
When you build a relationship with a partner, build a friendship. Sure the sex is great and the physical attraction is overwhelming, but be sure to ask yourself…”how’s this friendship going?” Because if you aren’t building a friendship…well, you’re probably building a mistake.
So where did we learn about love? Those first seven years of your life were critically important in learning about love. You may have developed some concepts or beliefs about love just by watching your parents. You may have developed concepts about love based on your experiences. What are your concepts about love? What expectations do you place on people you love? What expectations do you place on people who love you?
Grab a sheet of paper and fill in this sentence with as many sentences as you can. Don’t think, just write. Just let it flow with as much as you want to say….and don’t judge anything you write down!
Since you say you love me, you will______________(start writing how they should be).
Since I love you, you will________________(start writing how they should be)
This will help some of you who have no idea of the conditions you place on others who say they love you or the ones you love.
Now, once you have your list recall the times you went over your list with your loved one. Uh…let me guess….did you skip that step? For some of you, that’s a damn good idea. Because when you haul out your list of expectations, the last good vision you may have of your partner is his or her butt going out the door – fast.
“But I wasn’t through,” you shout to no one there.
You see, all that list says is “these are the things I expect of you since you love me and because I love you.” But, let’s see…you came in alone and you’re going out alone….where does it say that you find someone to own while you’re here.
Now, don’t beat yourself up. You’d probably run too if they hauled out their list of expectations.
You see, we live in two worlds at the same time. Now that sounds like a cliche, but it really isn’t. On the one hand is the physical world, in which you are doing things, and on the other hand is the mental, spiritual world, where you are thinking or sensing things.
The mental part helps you get organized; the physical part helps you get it done. When you think about what you are doing and doing what you’re thinking about, you’re in balance. Most of us are not in balance. We think something while doing another….and label it “multi-tasking.”
So the key to having inner peace in a relationship is to not judge…to understand that everything she does to tick you off, is something similar to what you do. Everything he does to tick you off is something similar to what you do! You cannot see a flaw in him or her that you don’t already have. So before you try to take the splinter out of his or her eye, take the log out of your own.
In other words, quit judging yourself. Start seeing the best in yourself. If you were brought up by people who had the tendency to focus on your flaws, then seeing the best in yourself is something you might need a little help with. Come back here often, as that’s my specialty. I’ll have a website up later where you can sign up for some cool free stuff.
Does this interest you? Let me know! Otherwise I just practicing typing with my angels, which is not a bad thing. But they already know all this!
