Is Real Love Actually Friendship

Around 1981 I wrote a song that said essentially:

“We treat people who we like, a lot better than the ones we love. And I got this funny little feelin’ that our marriage didn’t come from above.  So I don’t want you to love me, ’cause the price is too high to pay.  If you don’t mind please just like me – and we’ll get along better that way!”

That’s when I started really looking into this whole concept of “love.”  Because I know that real love is unconditional.   The angels love you unconditionally.   Heck, your dog loves you unconditionally.  The cat doesn’t give a flip.

You see, I think people have this love concept really confused.  When people say “I love you,” what they really mean is, “as long as you are the way I want you to be.”   People confuse love with control.  

Shoot, I know some folks who allege to be in love when in reality, I don’t even think they’re in “like.”  That song has some truth to it.  Think about it.  Do you treat people you like better than the ones you say you love?  Do you try to control your friends?  Are you not accepting of your friends as they are?  Sure, if they’re screwing up their life, you might say something, but isn’t real friendship one of those “live and let live” philosophies and that’s why the friendship works?  There’s something unconditional about it. 

When you build a relationship with a partner, build a friendship.  Sure the sex is great and the physical attraction is overwhelming, but be sure to ask yourself…”how’s this friendship going?”  Because if you aren’t building a friendship…well, you’re probably building a mistake.

So where did we learn about love?  Those first seven years of your life were critically important in learning about love.   You may have developed some concepts or beliefs about love just by watching your parents.  You may have developed concepts about love based on your experiences.     What are your concepts about love?  What expectations do you place on people you love?  What expectations do you place on people who love you?

Grab a sheet of paper and fill in this sentence with as many sentences as you can.  Don’t think, just write.   Just let it flow with as much as you want to say….and don’t judge anything you write down!

Since you say you love me, you will______________(start writing how they should be).

Since I love you, you will________________(start writing how they should be)

This will help some of you who have no idea of the conditions you place on others who say they love you or the ones you love.

Now, once you have your list recall the times you went over your list with your loved one.  Uh…let me guess….did you skip that step?  For some of you, that’s a damn good idea.  Because when you haul out your list of expectations, the last good vision you may have of your partner is his or her butt going out the door – fast.

“But I wasn’t through,” you shout to no one there.

You see, all that list says is “these are the things I expect of you since you love me and because I love you.”  But, let’s see…you came in alone and you’re going out alone….where does it say that you find someone to own while you’re here.

Now, don’t beat yourself up.  You’d probably run too  if they hauled out their list of expectations. 

You see, we live in two worlds at the same time.  Now that sounds like a cliche, but it really isn’t.  On the one hand is the physical world, in which you are doing things, and on the other hand is the mental, spiritual world, where you are thinking or sensing things.  

 The mental part helps you get organized; the physical part helps you get it done.  When you think about what you are doing and doing what you’re thinking about, you’re in balance.   Most of us are not in balance.  We think something while doing another….and label it “multi-tasking.” 

So the key to having inner peace in a relationship is to not judge…to understand that everything she does to tick you off, is something similar to what you do.  Everything he does to tick you off is something similar to what you do!  You cannot see a flaw in him or her that you don’t already have.  So before you try to take the splinter out of his or her eye, take the log out of your own.

In other words, quit judging yourself.   Start seeing the best in yourself.  If you were brought up by people who had the tendency to focus on your flaws, then seeing the best in yourself is something you might need a little help with.  Come back here often, as that’s my specialty.  I’ll have a website up later where you can sign up for some cool free stuff.

Does this interest you?  Let me know!  Otherwise I just practicing typing with my angels, which is not a bad thing.  But they already know all this!

Measuring Growth

When you grow through life, you grow through stages.  Now it’s easy to measure physical growth.  Who hasn’t had someone take out the yard stick, lay it on your head to create a mark on a door frame or wall to measure your growth.   At some point the height and weight growth stops…but for some of us (in fact for a lot of us) later in life the weight growth starts again, usually without your permission.  But how do you know if you’re really “growing” as a person?   Well, there’s are a number of ways.  

1.  Experiences that used to be difficult become easier.   

2.  You feel more comfortable in a leadership role.

3.  You see yourself as a “kinder, gentler” soul, who is capable of setting boundaries.

4.  You find yourself willing to take on new challenges.

5.  You see new challenges as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than an experience that will expose your weaknesses. 

6.  The qualities or experiences you see in others that used to bother you, no longer impact you anymore.

The things (qualities etc) you see in people that bother you are a reflection of a part of yourself that you have yet to accept or understand.   Let that one sink in for a while.    The qualities and attributes you admire in another is evidence of talents and atributes that you have.   It’s probable you haven’t become aware of their unfoldment into your experiences.   Are you starting to see why learning from your experiences is so important.   That’s the essences of awareness…aware of what you are experiencing.

Now the good news is that someone who is always acts like a jerk is just reminding you of the few times you act like a jerk.   But it’s the jerk in you that sees the jerk in them.   The key is to find out why you think that person is a jerk…and start working to “heal” that area within yourself.  The more you see how much you have in common with someone, the easier it is to melt the mental barriers you think divide you.

There’s a technique from the Avatar program called “Just Like Me.”  You walk through a grocery store and everyone you see you mentally say, “Just like me, that person wants more _______ in his/her life.  Happiness, joy, money – whatever you want, just imagine that person is looking for something similar.   Notice what you experience.

Let’s say you see a child at the grocery store throwing a tantrum.  It bothers you!  You become critical of the child, the parent and the whole scene.  Your friend sees the same scene and is not even phased by the scene.  Why is that?  It could be that in your upbringing an outburst in a public place was greeted with looks that stimulated a fear for your well being!  In my day, we didn’t have public outbursts or tantrums in our family, not if sitting on a chair anytime soon was important to you!  That’s just the way it was.

So when I’d see a kid in the store erupt in one of those “I have to have that” moments, I’d kind of cringe and fear for the kid’s safety.  People who were actually allowed to have those tantrums, see another kid throw a tantrum and are not even phased by it.   I have a lot more room to grow when it comes to this area of life.

Now, when I could see those tantrums later and not be phased by them I knew I was growing.

I remember once there was another salesman in the company who was making cold calls on the phone.  And there was something about the way he called that really bothered me.  But I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  He was definitely showing me something about myself that I didn’t enjoy.   But I kept working at it until one day I heard myself sounding just like the guy who was irritating me.  I was doing the same thing.  I figured it out, bingo, just like that.   A flash of awareness.

I got off the phone and celebrated – Once I had figured it out, boom it was gone and I felts about 50 lbs lighter.  Do you ever have a sudden realization about something and all of a sudden you feel lighter and brighter?  It’s like the fog lifting on the highway…you can relax and speed up a little, because your vision has become more clear. 

That’s what growing feels like.   You’ve moved through the fog of confusion to see things more clearly.   You laugh more easily, you smile more often and you day is filled with special moments.  That’s when you know you are growing – because you’re becoming more loving, more accepting and a kinder soul.   Actually you already are all those qualities – you’re just experiencing them more consistently.   Hang with me – you’re on the way to meeting an incredible person – YOU!